Note, this is all done to Kung Fu Fighting.
So, today is my friend Jess’s birthday and she’s Asian, which got me thinking, “wow, what’s it like to be Asian?” So I did a little research and now I am going to provide for you a tutorial on how to be Asian. Umm the first part is the look and the most important part of the look is the eyes. Umm you’re going to need tape. I’m going to be using scotch tape, but uh for all you hard core want to be Asians, you can always use duct tape. You’re going to want to tape your eyes until they are almost completely shut – just a little bit so can see. You want to trick people into believing you’re almost asleep.
Uh next, you are going to go with your skin tone colour. Most people know that I’m about home products, so um, you’re going to want to use French’s classic yellow as your foundation. (she then smothers her face in mustard) Now that you have rubbed your foundation in, the look part is completed.
Now you’re going to want to get the culture down. Next you’re going to want to legally change your name to ummm, a funny sound; the first one that comes off the top of your head. You can’t think of anything, drop a fork it. What sound did it make? Yep, ching chong – that’s my new name.
Next you’re going to have to take your crappy ass grades and change them. (holds up a piece of paper with a bright red F on it and it changes to an A)
Next you’re going to want to eat the food that they eat. Ummm Asian people like Ramen Noodles because it reminds them of cat intestines. (uses chop sticks to eat noodles) Mmmmm
Now to really be a true Asain, Mmmm ahhh, you have to ready to do some weird ass porn. I suggest taking some weird ass reptile and peeing on it for effect. And there you go. Ahhh ching chong (hold up the piece sign) it was really nice teaching you how to be Asian.
Do I even have to bother to say how wrong that entire spiel was? Do I have to point out that spreading mustard on your face and taping your eyes shut while inferring that all Asians eat cat intestines is without doubt not done out of love, and is absolutely racist?
When watching the video I kept thinking about how Asians have been constructed as the so-called good minority. You see, Asians are held up by Whiteness as being successful and really smart. Asian women in particular are viewed as delicate little lotus flowers when they are subservient, and dragon ladies when they dare to speak their truth. Continually discrimination against Asian people is overlooked in favor of using them as a tool to shame other visible minorities on our supposed failure, but when it comes right down to it, White people want us to know that no matter how good you are constructed to be, you’re not White and that makes you available to be a target at anytime. Should anyone believe that discrimination against Asians is a thing of the past, re-watch that video and that should set you straight. This video is not a singular event and rather represents the length that Whiteness willing to travel ensure that all people of colour are constantly “othered.”