I'm Sorry For Killing Your Daughter

The following video deals with a trans man’s feelings about his father after transition.  I present it to you without comment as it is outside of my experience.

transcript below the fold.

Dear Dad,

Thinking about you. I know you may not recognize this voice, but the person speaking loves you and misses you very much. I’m sitting here staring at the ceiling wearing my favourite shirt. I remember when I took this shirt from you, how proud you used to be of your daughter – how jealous I am. Umm, I’m sorry for killing your daughter. I didn’t mean to take her life, but she was messed up. She begged me to do it even though I know it wasn’t right.  She begged me to do it.  It’s like I was feeding her pills until she was no longer herself.  Her voice, her looks all changed. Too late to ask for help man, I knew you would miss it and I, I could never take her place.

I loved the way you smiled at her when you saw her face. I wish that was the case with me, but I understand.  I don’t blame you.  I just let it be. I didn’t mean to kill your baby girl. Oh how you would brag about her to the world. I feel so bad and now looking at me makes you sad. I would do anything to give you your happiness back.

Why did I do it? I was so jealous of your daughter, ’cause as a man, I never had a father.  And I don’t want to harass you or bother you but I always want to follow you around like she did. I loved how you would say, “it’s just me and you kid.”  And now we’re gone, off in the distance, do you remember them? She would say, “yeah it’s vacation time, just me and him,” and she’d be gone.

Do you know how much I admire you?  I sit in the pews imitating your face, practicing your moves, imagining myself on the organ playing just as smooth.  She loved you. [I’m] so sorry for killing your daughter.  Hearing me talk about her in the third person is probably making this even harder but I just don’t want you to leave this earth without thinking that you’re the best dad around and I can’t recall one time, just one time, that you ever let me down.  You did a perfect job raising me, and I wouldn’t be able to live with you hating me. 

I know as a pastor, this situation is a disaster, especially when my lifestyle contradicts our master. I’m sorry. I’m sorry for any embarrassment I caused you, for all of the worry and heartache and all of the midnight prayers [yeah I needed the all too]. I’m sorry. I’m sorry that you’ll never walk her down the aisle. I’m sorry that she never gave you a grandchild. I’m sorry for killing your daughter. It wasn’t my plan and now it’s official, we’ll never see her again.  I know that it’s hard to understand, but without her gone, I couldn’t become a man. And I feel selfish for that choice I made, I just beg that you don’t let your love for me go away. I just hope that sometime soon we’ll be back okay. I just want my father back, like back in the day.  So I pray that you’ll forgive me and accept my apology. 

Love you, thanks for listening,
your child Kamari.

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