Feeders are abusive people and though some claim that the relationship is an equal one, the emotional abuse involved in a feedee/feeder relationship negates any agency on the part of the fat person involved. Feeders call themsevles FA’s, or fat admirers, but this label is quite honestly a misnomer, because they don’t admirer fat women, they fetishize them.
F.A.’s love the curves, the cascading rolls of flesh. Some of them sort of fancy the cellulite, the love the feel of it. I must feel like velvet to them, because that’s the way they’re touching me – like I’m made of some very plush material.
He would kiss me and hug me and say, “gee honey you look so great. You know, I just know that if you go a little further with another 20 pounds that would look just even better. I couldn’t wait to measure you and we’ll celebrate.”
It’s freeing at first and then you find out that you’re in that trap where you have to keep gaining to hold his interest. Ultimately, these men want to see that they’ve played a part in your gaining weight. Once I got near my top weight I was finding it nearly impossible to walk. I pretty much figured I would die in that house.
Fat Girls and Feeders is the documentary from which this clip came and you download the rest of it here.
I first became interested in feederism when I learned about Donna Simpson, the woman whose goal it is to become the heaviest woman in the world.When it first became public that this was her aim, a round of fat hatred ensued and very few realized that this indeed was a sign of abuse. To be clear, there is nothing healthy about feederism. The goal of the feedee is to make their partner absolutely dependent upon them for even the most basic needs. In the linked video, the feeder makes sure to point out the responsibility of caring for someone who is not ambulant; however, even as he describes the daily care ritual, he clearly is excited about the dependency. In fact, when the feedee in question had a gastric bypass performed to lose weight, it lead to significant problems in their relationship.
Feeders prey upon vulnerability and insecurity. They threaten to withdraw their love and attention if the feedee at any time refuses to participate in the ritualistic eating necessary to continue to gain weight. Their goal is to literally trap someone in their own body and this is a form of kidnapping. It is absolutely Machiavellian to desire to feed someone until their body literally shuts down for the purposes of sexual gratification and empowerment. In the linked video, the feeder documented his wife’s weight gain and profited from selling the videos and pictures online. When his wife lost weight, to continue to satisfy his sexual inclinations he would masturbate to the images that he had taken of her.
Because the abused party is often not ambulant, there is little possibility to escape. The feeder will purposefully cut all ties that the feedee has to the outside world to increase dependency and reduce the ability to leave. How can anyone claim agency and choice in instances like this? In the above clip, the woman was left alone for hours at a time with junk food as her only source of nutrition. In many cases, because the feedee is unable to interact with the outside world, their dependency allows the feeder to provide all food. In such cases, because the goal is to purposefully cause weight gain, healthy options are rarely provided. Junk food may taste appealing at times, but a constant diet of it would lead to malnutrition and therefore, even as the feedee is consuming calories, they are literally starving to death, while their organs are shutting down.
These abusive relationships are ignored because of the blatant sizeism that has come to dominate our society. It is further erased because though emotional abuse is very harmful, we tend to ignore any pattern of abuse that does not involve physical injury. Society already wants fat people to disappear and when they are shut in their homes, we would much rather ignore the problem than admit that these people need help. Domestic abuse takes many forms and to ignore the abuse that happens in feedee/feeder relationships is not only blatant sizeism, it makes us all culpable of the abuse and murder, should the relationship lead to death.
Editors Note: In the interest of transparency, Gina, the woman who was the major subject in the linked video posted a rebuttal to the documentary. It can be found here.